Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
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The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: *getting struck by lightning*
Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?
Hockey is a sport where people use feet knives to walk so they can score a goal with a tiny hamburger.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
? 💀
What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy’s house and he’s really pissed
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
[in music class]
Teacher: Be sure to take good notes
Me to classmate: Which notes are the bad ones?
me: [typing] donkey kong
fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it
me: donkey kong no tie
fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.