CNN needs to reevaluate the use of Breaking News. Perhaps “Latest Speculative News” or “We Really Don’t Know Shit” would work.
CNN call me.
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paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: gimme a scotch on the rocks
Me [scrunching towel into glass]: I know lemonade, I can do lemonade
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
#JohnTravolta
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
*a few seconds before a spider jumps on me. ”
“Let’s not fight.”
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
Nobody:
Every dad at the zoo: look I found your real family
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
2.5 hours into self quarantine: *gains 10 lbs
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.