You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
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*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
BILLY CORGAN: the world is a vampire
ME: wouldn’t it explode into flames as soon as the sun hit it then?
BILLY: shut up *runs off crying*
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
horse: [driving in a car past people in a field] PEOPLE!
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
Went for a covid booster today and cracked the dude up when I said I was there for my software update 🤣
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct