When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
[maintains eye contact while slowly rearranging the dishwasher]
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Chicken cooking times in recipes are the reason I have t̶r̶u̶s̶t̶ ̶i̶s̶s̶u̶e̶s̶ salmonella
Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
If you say “anyways” instead of “anyway,” that’s alls I needs to knows abouts yous.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.