a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
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[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
COP: Can you describe your attacker?
ME: No
COP: Didn’t you see him?
ME: Yes, but I have a poor grasp of adjectives
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.
Jellyfish have no brains yet are capable of learning from past experiences. They will change their behavior to avoid repeating a negative event.
Meanwhile you’re sitting there texting your ex again
[typing autopsy report after lunch] weird, seems the killer spilled some coffee and part of a sandwich inside the victim
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.