don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
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[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Girl Scouts cookies went from $5 to $6 this year and I refuse to
ok I’ll buy 10 boxes
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
After 2 days of dieting, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve decided to remain fat.
[Looking at plans for building Rome]
ME: How long will it take u?BUILDER [shrugs] A day at most
ME: Are u sure?!
B: Yeah easy, trust me
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u
[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]
ME: holy shit u saved me
OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.