Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
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Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
[4:30 AM]
Wife: I thought I told you to rock the baby to sleep
Me: *turning down Enter Sandman* What does it look like I’m doing, Karen
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Who is feeling this?
#HorrorFam #LordOfTheRings
The class where i learned absolutly nothing and dont remember anything
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
In the original fairy tale Goldilocks also reads all their diaries.
“You accept unused items as well, right?”, I ask the Goodwill employee as I hand her a stack of recipe books.
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”