You Might Also Like
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
no one:
my roommate at 3:26 am: hey man, did you eat the last Pop-Tart?
HER: i love mythology
ME: *sensing an opportunity* i love your thology too
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
PSA: If you’re about to be arrested, climb to the roof of a nearby court. You are now ‘above the law’ & literally can’t get in trouble ever
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Lionel Richie: hello.
Adele: it’s me.
Lionel Richie: is it me you’re looking for?
Adele: I was wondering if after all these years you’d like to meet?
Lionel Richie: holy shit *covers phone* now what the hell do I say?