Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
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a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
No I’ve never had a tumor removed, but I did uninstall facebook
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
[googling]
me: [how to get wife to stop cheating]
google: it won’t stop jim
me: [please google please stop porking my wife]
google: i can give her things that you can’t
me: [we have children]
google: you sure they’re yours jim?
me: [looks down at my son, algorithm] oh god
You can’t rush stupid.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?
Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”