*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
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In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
therapist: what are you afraid of?
me: nothing
therapist: yes, the void. it will swallow us all
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Was standing in my front yard this evening and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
The average person swallows 8 spiders a year, but the top 1% consume 40% of our nation’s spiders. Save some for the rest of us, spider hogs
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
#TopTip
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?