Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
You Might Also Like
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
The eyes are the windows to the soul. A moustache is the front garden, and the mouth is that big pothole the council should do something about
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
I…do not understand how electricity works.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE
Friend: I’m getting married
Me: OMG, I’m so sorry. How long do you have?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
NO ONE SAVES MILK YOU MORON
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
where’s Godzilla when we need him