Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
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It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
if how you live this life is reflected by what you become in the next, i kinda wonder what grandpa did to come back as a pot pie?
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake