I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
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Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
My parents: we have something to tell you
Me: ok
Parents: remember when wesaid your dog went to live on a farm
Me: Ya, muffin
Parents: well that didn’t actually happen
Me: oh no
Parents: he was actually arrested for smuggling fentanyl into the country in shipping containers
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Back in 2000 a woman I was seeing gave me an Easter basket. My cat would eat a piece of the plastic “grass” which would then make him throw up. He kept doing this despite it making him sick every time.
This is a great analogy for me continuing to read your tweets.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
Bike is short for Bichael.
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
my toxic trait is saying to myself “it’s only $20” 1500 times a week
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
If opposites truly attract, the correct life strategy is to be a loser
One of the fun things about being married is your spouse stops asking what you want from take out restaurants.
You get what you got last time.
Want something else? Too bad. You should have ordered it last time.
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“THEY’RE PROBABLY MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU ARE OF THEM,” I shout, as a swarm of murder hornets attacks my friend Jeff
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
It’s always good to tell people to “stay safe” during a distaster just in case they didn’t know.
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 85,432 times, you’re a weatherman
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Musical.
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.