Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
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I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone