When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
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One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
Buying a well is money well spent.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Urgent: do vampires need to be invited into each individual apartment in a building or do they just need to get in the lobby?
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
Instagram Girl, just relaxing in her sweats: Perfect ponytail, full makeup, hydrating after an intense yoga session.
Me, just relaxing in my sweats: Sweating pretty hard, because I dropped a chocolate chip down my sports bra and I’m trying to fish it out before it melts.
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed