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[after sex]
Her: *lights up smoke*
Me: *unwraps toothpick*
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Them: “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”
Me: Hell hath no fury like a woman hungry and a man that won’t decide where to eat
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.