Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
Having sex with the same person for the rest of your life is like always running the same route. You know every peak, every dip, when to go hard, when to slow down. You know how to pace it and always know when the end is near. But a new route? No thanks. There might be bees. BEES
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids
explaining to my friends w kids under 6 how it’s been isolating alone
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
No, Twitter trending topics, I don’t want to hear about double mutant ninja COVID.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this