you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
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About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that’ll be $18.50
I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
Do one thing every day that scares your psychiatrist
going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Play was awful. Only applauded to save Tinkerbell
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
I’m a little late to emojis. I can do heart (❤️) and I can do dinosaur (🦖), which pretty much covers any emotion I’m likely to have.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them