{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
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If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
[Taken 26]
Abductor: I have your great granddaughter
LIAM NEESON: I literally died 12 years ago
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
*Picks up extra virgin olive oil. *smirks*
“Not for long my friend. Not for long.”
I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
Me :
All Day At Night
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
Why is it PIZZERIA and not PIZZARIA?
– my brain at 2:00 am
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all