[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
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so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
The best and most reliable advice I can offer is add bacon.
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
It’s important to set goals. You don’t have to accomplish them or anything like that. Just set them.
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
Be a deer and get shot in the woods for me?
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.