My life coach refuses to tell me which motivational quote will protect me from corona virus 😡
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
shrek the third may have not been as great as the other movies but this transition still gets me
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
[MARRIAGE COUNSELING]
My husband: It just seems like we’re really far apart.
Me (on my walkie talkie in the parking lot): You have to say “over”.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
called in thicc to work this morning