Nursery owner helping me load plants, “Your car looks just like mine.”
“You have a Crosstrek too” I ask.
“No, lots of wine bags.”
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My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah