Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
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AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
To use Google efficiently, write like Tarzan. “good tacos boston”
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
I hate it when I speak French to the homeless guy saying I don’t understand English and he replies in French so I have to give him money.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
If I were Obama, I’d totally lead with “My fellow Americans, the situation looks popeless.” #SOTU
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
TEEN 1: Church is so boring.
TEEN 2: It’s so out of touch.
THE YOUNG POPE approaches pulpit: “Some…BODY once told me–”
TEENS: HOLY SHIT
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
This could be the Alcohol talking but….
OMG you guys! The ALCOHOL is TALKING!
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog