Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
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GF: I’m moving out if you don’t stop pretending you work at a supermarket.
ME: Ok. Do you need any help with your packing?
The one closest to the sky is most likely to get eaten by the pterodactyl.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Frankenstein’s monster is on a date.
Her: “So, are you religious?”
Him: “I’m part Catholic.”
Her: “On your father’s or mother’s side?”
Him: “Neither, it’s my left foot.”
#FrankensteinFriday #RubbishJokes
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
What?!?
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
This day in history. 1881. A man in Großliebenthal Ukraine hit by an 8 kg stone deduced that it was a meteorite as his wife was out of town.
Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time