If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
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Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
“i am a sweet baby”
Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions
Me: Oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Wife: Over there
Robber: What’s the code?
Wife: 5743
Robber: What do you want for dinner?
Me: oh no
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
A fake ID that makes you younger
Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….
I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.
So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.