This guy on Animal Planet is looking for some kind of leopard and I’ve never wanted someone to be eaten by a leopard more than I do right now.
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guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Back off. I’ve got enough to deal with today without having to make your death look like an accident.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
HEY CALEB- YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING.
-Amish trash talk
i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ
sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day
dad:
sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?
dad: oh yeah, maybe
[they watch tv in silence]
me: ?????
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.