My horoscope said I should kiss you today
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Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Meanwhile in Canada…
If Ross Geller and George Costanza were in the same room with Sheldon Cooper, Michael Scott, and Kimmy Gibbler, they still wouldn’t be as annoying as you.
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Point blank tho, never met a turtle I didn’t like. Sea, snapping, painted, teenage mutant ninja…
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
When sewing, always remember pattern placement is key.
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
one of
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
HER: You ran over my cat
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME [imagines myself napping all day and pushing things off shelves] ok
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?