Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
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It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
[comes home from a day away]
Kids: Guess what we did today?!?
Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.
Kids: How’d you know?!?
Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE