When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
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Interviewer: What skills do you have?
Me: Mind control
Interviewer: EXCELLENT YOUVE GOT THE JOB
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Me: WHAT?! HOW?! WHY?!
My cat, after getting into the back of my closet, discovering a fishing pole & spare spool of line & then unraveling & tangling most of the line ALL over my bedroom: You’re so dramatic.
t-shirt: Lay flat to dry
me: I can’t do laundry lying down
Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.
Hitmen probably get so annoyed when you spot the red laser dot and try to catch it like a cat.
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Shout out to whoever scheduled Valentine’s candy to show up just as we’re all giving up on New Year resolutions.
Murderer: [stabs me]
Me: [does a kart wheel at the exact right moment resulting in the appendectomy I need but can’t afford bc I live in the US]
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
#Caturday
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.