Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
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No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I had sex once and once was enough
Wait, where did those 3 kids come from?😂
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
doctor: you’ve been bitten by a radioactive shark
me: so i’m gonna get shark powers right
doctor: you no longer have legs
me: just like a shark
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
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