Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
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I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Ski instructor: this is a dangerous sport. One mistake could lead to a broken leg
Horse: I want to go home
My son has a hard time waking up in the morning so he downloaded an obnoxious sounding alarm on his phone to ensure he wouldn’t oversleep.
So far the only people awake from it this morning are me, my husband & our neighbors.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Good advice.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Lube but for my dry humor.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
*runs thru a couple holding hands like it’s the finish line of a marathon.
I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.
-me to my barber
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again