Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
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Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
A fun way to give your man a little scare is to ask him, “Do you know what tomorrow is?” and watch the panic set in.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Am sitting in horrible traffic, but fortunately someone is beeping their horn so we should be on the move soon.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.