[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
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“pediatric patients say the darnedest things”
doctor: we need to draw some blood
4: [taking out crayons] ok but I get the red one
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
I hate when that happens.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Remember it’s Christmas. You need to check your elf before you wreck your shelf
Sometimes I wear glasses to work just so I can take them off really fast in disgust.
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
those birds must be on payroll
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task