Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
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So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
KIDNAPPER: get in the trunk
ME: but this tree is so tiny
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Always be kind to people, you never know who may own a boat.
Nighttime can be so great when you have insomnia. You can clean up the house, read, watch a movie or even rearrange your old racist neighbors garden knomes to make her think she’s losing her mind. I’ve really turned into quality ‘me time.’
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Oh the world we live in…
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?