friend: i have no idea how some people have 3 kids
me: they have sex 3 times
You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
‘THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!’
~me, parenting teens
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
If Mr Krabs owned a bar
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.