You won’t believe this, kids, but TV used to end. Every day. They played the national anthem, and then it just…stopped. Scary, huh?
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Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Everyone is acting like they’re all excited for the eclipse like anyone will even look up from their phone
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
ME: (throwing my car keys to the valet) Run me over real quick, chief.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
If squirrels could talk, they’d have British accents.
If your job is so “essential” that you can’t get off for a killer global pandemic, you deserve $15 an hour and a union.
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?