I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
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I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
7YO: Can I eat ice cream now?
Me: Did you eat your greens?
7YO: Cows eat grass and then give milk I’ll get my greens from the ice cream
Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
“I’m practicing self care” I scream at the buffet waitress as she tries to wrench a whole steam tray full of lobster from my hands
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
anime mfs be like “i promise it gets better just wait till episode 561 bro”
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
I’m “I have been lying about my age so long that I have forgotten how old I actually am” years old.
[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?