Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
“I hate karaoke.”
“It’s pronounced kah-rah-oh-keh.”
“Now, I hate you too.”
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Not to brag but I don’t need alcohol to do something stupid.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
“Plagiarism Squad reporting for duty.” / “Copy that.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
s
oc
i
a
l
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
[stabucks]
barista: can i get a name?me: sure. you look like a Tiffany
barista: no i mean a name for the order
me: oh! we’ll call this “coffee from Tiffany”
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?