I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.
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Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
My dating profile:
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
It’s actually pretty rude of you to assume that I know what I’m doing
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
*asteroid approaches*
SCIENTISTS: If we don’t stop this, it will destroy Earth.
PEOPLE: Oh no. How many people has it killed so far?
SCIENTISTS: None yet.
PEOPLE, SUDDENLY ARMED WITH STATISTICS: Why, that’s fewer than traffic accidents! Fewer than vending machines! Fewer than
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.