[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
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Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Most people think that T Rexes can’t clap because they have short arms, but really it’s because they’re dead…
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Reasons to not eat cookies:
– there are no cookies
– you’re trapped under something heavy and can’t reach the cookies.End of list