If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
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SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
God, designing a toddler: ya know what would be hilarious would be if it has no ability to reason but talks nonstop. Also make it trip a lot
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
It’s almost like those two bowls of chili made me sleepy
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.