“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
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[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
I like my men well-rounded
and sweet
and rich
and available
and covered in sprinkles
wait a minute…
that’s donuts
I like donuts
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
only targaryens can ride dragons?
explain this game of thrones
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving