on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
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*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
– squirrels
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants?
My husband’s closet:
Cucumbers Anonymous
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.