If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
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Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Phonetics
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”