Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
You Might Also Like
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Aight bet
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Wife: You never listen to me
Me: Of course I do[2 hrs later]
Neighbor: Is your wife home?
Me: No, she took the car to get waxed in Brazil
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
Nurse: I’ve never seen anything like it
Me: I’m not surprised
Doctor: You’re the first patient I’ve had with a blood type of *checks chart* chocolate milk