Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
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*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?
I pretend to be asleep then I actually fell asleep.
Now I’ll pretend I’m skinny.
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
[Jurassic Park]
JOHN HAMMOND: We’ve spared no expense!
ACCOUNTANT: There are no backup generators and you’ve hired 5 employees to run an entire island
JOHN HAMMOND: I meant on the dinosaurs
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
Therapist: And what do we say when we feel like this?
Me: That’s show biz baby
Therapist: No
My grandma was so poor she only left me recipes for pasta dishes in her will, you could say she was my..
*golf swings*
Pennefactor.
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.