You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
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My Dad turns off his cell phone when he’s home because, “I have a phone at home, why waist the battery?”
Love you Dad
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
Mood: Shredding documents but realizing I didn’t double check if they were the correct ones and now frantically searching for the Undo button on the shredder
Jesus, I didn’t mean my cheese wheel when I said you take the wheel.
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
We can’t afford a Trump presidency. The money spent alone on hundreds of new White House door knobs for his wee-baby hands would bankrupt us
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint