Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
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I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Lois: “I saw Batman yesterday. He’s put on a lot of weight”
Clark: *lowers glasses* “More like Fat-
Lois: “Oh my god it’s Superman”
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
people will be like “ew putting your suitcase on your bed is the most disgusting thing you could do” and it’s like no. not me. i’m capable of much more disgusting things
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments