“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Cop: Why did you burn that building down?
Me: Because they keep sending emails after unsubscribing.
Cop: You’re free to go.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Me: Let’s get married secretly, and not tell anybody!
Her: Yea, but what if we have a baby?
Me: Well, we’ll tell the baby…
We lay under the maple tree, the evening sun casting a warm glow on our faces. Turning to me, she said-
“Please stop narrating everything.”
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.