I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
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People always miss the point of Moby Dick. It’s not just about a man trying to catch a whale. It’s about how animals are hard to catch in general.
Running from your problems is cardio .
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
My birth announcement for our third baby
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
BOSS: I need you to put these coupon stickers on all the Pick Me Up boxes
EMPLOYEE: Do you care where we place those stickers?
BOSS: Yeah, *on the box*. Don’t make me repeat myself. Idiots.
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
Saw an Amazon truck drop a kid off at school this morning. Didn’t know that was an option.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.